Fear on the mat, and a portfolio update
Can I overcome it?
Last Thursday night, as we were finishing up jiu jitsu class, I turned to the instructor and said, you’re going to need to open one of those doors. I promptly walked out to the parking lot, bent over, and let fly chunks like I have not done in my lifetime. That was… an experience.
I was a little down on myself after that class, but not because of the parking lot donation. Oh, I know I shouldn’t be down about anything. First, have unconditional love for the Self. The simple fact that I have consciousness should be enough. But of course, it’s in our humanity to want to get better.
Turns out I’m claustrophobic. I don’t really remember that fear being an issue in my life, to be honest. I’m also not surprised by it. I panic when I lose position, out of fear of being smothered. One of the first things you learn in BJJ is how heavy another human can be when they are on top trying to crush you.
This problem wasn’t immediate, it kind of grew over these first three months of white belt training. I think it may have been overshadowed by the rib and back injuries that are now healed. Regardless, the fear is real and it’s there every roll. I feel like I’m being crushed on the bottom and so I panic when I sense I am losing position. The panic exhausts me. And Thursday night, that exhaustion ended in a parking lot exorcism.
There are ways to deal with this, but it’s mostly psychological. Stephen Kesting has a great video on it, for example.
Overcoming fear is the story of my life, as I have always been the skittish type. Nearly thirty years ago, I was afraid of heights and the water when I joined the Marines. How do you think that went over in boot camp?
Free Energy Principle
The thing about fear is that it’s not a tangible entity. It does not exist on its own. Fear is the absence of experience. Read that sentence again. We, the conscious awareness, wish to be the joyful experience of the gift of life. Fear is the absence of experience.
Karl Friston is the world’s leading academic neuroscientist, and the way he explains fear is very interesting. Essentially, fear is what happens when your brain does not have a precise map for a situation. For example, the first time a human hears thunder, the brain searches for a map that does not exist. The map is What does thunder mean for my safety? This search process, as I understand it, is what Friston calls the Free Energy Principle. The next time thunder happens, the brain has a map - the prior experience. The result is less “free energy”, less fear.
Interestingly, the more routine and predictable is your life, the more fear you will have. Why? Because your brain is hard coding maps of the familiar over and over again. If you want to “rewire” your brain to tackle fear, do something unfamiliar every day.
Going back to the problem I am facing, getting crushed is something that I have to experience if I want to overcome this fear.
Fun…
Alright, let’s take a look at the LBN investments.