Not in a million years am I quitting jiu jitsu, but tonight was the first night the thought entered my consciousness.

Maybe I should just fucking quit

That happened. That thought happened.

Jiu jitsu is about humiliation. It’s about being dominated.

For many years I have occasionally wondered how I would do in a situation where I had no hope of escape. Could I be ok with hopelessness? With getting dominated by another human being while there is nothing I can do about it?

Our ego likes to think a big game. Oh sure. I would be fine. I could just zone out or pray or breathe nice and slow, yea sure…

Now I know a little bit. Being dominated over and over again. Feeling helpless while being crushed. Yes, sure I have escape moves now. But he is still better than me. He beats my escape over and over again.

I remain crushed.

So this is where I am at. Facing an interesting obstacle.

But I won’t quit. That’s not what I am about. I will learn. What to learn? I don’t know yet. That’s the journey. I don’t think it’s learning to win. I think it’s learning to be ok.